As we look deeply within, we understand our perfect balance. There is no fear of the cycle of birth, life and death. For when you stand in the present moment, you are timeless. -Rodney Yee
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I'm a writer. I'm supposed to have all these words at my disposal. I'm supposed to know how to communicate with finesse, subtlety, elegance. But I don't. I don't know what to say to make loss and hurting go away. I don't know what to say to bring healing, joy, and fullness. Sometimes the most expressive words I can come up with (and meager words they are) are "It sucks." Missing someone sucks. Hurting sucks. The hole torn in the fabric of life really sucks.
Maybe I hang around middle school students too much. Maybe some things just suck.
The visitation for Eric Neitzel is tomorrow. I want to let Shirley know how valuable it was for me to see the relationship between her and Eric. Loving, teasing in a gentle and tolerant way, supportive, nurturing, patient of each other's quirks, each able to laugh at him/herself. But there is a part of me that doesn't want to go. A part of me that doesn't want to SEE the rent in the cloth, the severed ties, the frayed ends of such a wonderful relationship. Because I don't know what to say. Because I'm afraid of seeing the loose ends of my own relationships with those who have died, moved, disappeared with time and busyness. Because in some small way I will have to face my own death, and I don't have the words to express all that.
Maybe I hang around middle school students too much. Maybe some things just suck.
The visitation for Eric Neitzel is tomorrow. I want to let Shirley know how valuable it was for me to see the relationship between her and Eric. Loving, teasing in a gentle and tolerant way, supportive, nurturing, patient of each other's quirks, each able to laugh at him/herself. But there is a part of me that doesn't want to go. A part of me that doesn't want to SEE the rent in the cloth, the severed ties, the frayed ends of such a wonderful relationship. Because I don't know what to say. Because I'm afraid of seeing the loose ends of my own relationships with those who have died, moved, disappeared with time and busyness. Because in some small way I will have to face my own death, and I don't have the words to express all that.
1 comment:
Sarah;
Believe me...I know exactly how you feel. I had a friend who died with cancer. The family either didn't have a visitation or didn't announce it so I didn't have to see his emaciated body. I am free to remember Jack as he was, full of life, laughter, and someone always willing to lend a hand or be a friend. I know that's probably very selfish on my part, but ....
On a positive note, in a time of great sadness, Eric and Shirley had the opportunity few others have--the time to say good bye. Think of all the husbands and wives, sons and daughters, mothers and fathers that left for work or school or to run an errand in the morning and didn't come home.
We learn a lot from other peoples' relationships. My parents were married for 58 years. Dad never failed to kiss her good bye, even if he was just going to the store. He still held the door for her and in her last years of sickness took excellent care of her. Eric and Shirley offered similar lessons.
We're all at a loss for words at a time like this. Our most elegant prose or poetry can't repair life's torn fabric, to borrow your words. All we can do is be there for Shirley and her family. I plan to visit this afternoon.
It's hard to face our own mortality. I have lived more of my life--and not always fullfillingly--than I have left. Like the grasshopper and the ant, I have fiddled too much of my earlier years away. On the up side I have always been able to find enjoyment in the outdoors if all I had was a couple of pennies in my pocket. My retirement might not be filled with trips to exotic lands, but I'm looking forward to enjoying lots of wildlife projects. And I have two wonderful kids who are going to make a difference in this world. And maybe that's what I'm here for. No one knows the final plan for us.
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