Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Attack of the gremlins

Today's Mood: Frustrated. Today's Music: Lucia Micarelli--Music from a Farther Room. Today's Writing: Revising the revision of Black Dragon Part I. Today's Quote:
Don't give up. Never give up. -don't know if anyone else said it, but I'm saying it now.
*******
I was in a funk over the weekend--you know, the usual, I suck at everything kind of mental punk that hangs like dank, dark smoke around my spirit. Why was I in a such a state? Who knows. Maybe the weather. Maybe the MEAP testing. Maybe I didn't get enough sleep. Maybe it's George W. Bush's fault. Or maybe, just maybe, it has to do with my art not being picked at the show, and my copy of Black Dragon coming back with lots of ink on it.

Don't get me wrong, the ink was dead on, made the story clearer, more succinct. In fact, I look at what my lovely writing mentor did with it, and I think, why didn't I see that? Who am I kidding, thinking I'm a good writer? These people are my friends, none of them would tell me that I'm just not good enough to be published. But I'm not. Look, she should be writing this. I should just tell her my idea and have her write it--it would be better than I could ever write it.

And so it goes, on and on with the whining, the self-doubt, the gray punk that bogs me down, giving me a headache, making me tired, and causing me to be crabby with the kids. My husband tried--he assured me I had talent, he listened, he even scolded me for over-reacting, but it didn't help. I went to bed.

The next day it occurred to me that there is NO WAY this wonderful, busy woman would spend so much time, painstakingly reading my manuscript (yet again) if she didn't believe it had some worth. After all, I wasn't even paying her! And hey, look at how much I was learning! Maybe I'd avoid some of those pitfalls (starting too many sentences with the word "but." I really like but(t)s!), and the last section would be better.

In the meantime, I'll get back to work on the first section, making those changes, making the story clearer, better, truer.

What do you do when you get in a funk? Or how do you keep the gremlins away from you? What's the worst attack of the "I'm no good at this" that you've ever had? Or are you like, not human, and have no idea what I'm talking about?

5 comments:

outdoorwriter said...

Sarah;

I remember a piece I got back covered with red ink. I put it aside in a notebook where I could look at it often.

My biggest funk came when I lost my monthly column. Typical story plot old vs younger ideas--not necessarily better just younger. I still struggle. I have a very hard time reaching out to other magazines. Compared to the "pros" I know nothing about writing, but then a lot of outdoor writing is formula, whatever that is. I just like to write what I feel.

A recent article in the Outdoor Writers Assication of America's publication lamented the lack of a story in the multitude of outdoor shows. Dialogue is minimal. "Nice fish!" or "What a buck!"

For me a walk always seems to clear my head and at least get me thinking. Never forget, only we can write our stories.

Mike said...

Sarah,

The fact that you could see that your mentor was 'dead on' is what makes you a good writer. You have a lot of talent and you are persistent and dedicated and committed. You WILL get this published. Mark my words.

I can and do get discouraged about my writing. I wish I was better. I strive to be better. I'll read something by Barbara Kingsolver or Jim Harrison or Richard Ford and I'll have the thought... why bother?

But then I'll think, Thank God Neil Young didn't think that when he heard his own high thin voice wail over a simple melody. We have to honor what we have and what we can do with it, not what we can't do.

To continue with another musical metaphor, Duke Ellington said that when he got sad he'd just write a blues. Ellington wrote a lot of blues. Good advice.

DJW said...

Sarah, Larry, Mike,

All good words from each of you. I get in a funk often, which is why I'm on meds (that's no lie). When I get in a funk, I cry. Sometimes i rant, but mostly I cry. that makes me feel better and helps me clear my head.

And my funks aren't just about writing. They're about working too many long days and not making enough money in spite of the effort; they're about not being able to keep my house organized, let alone clean. The worst ones are about how I'm a loser in all aspects of life (not true), how I do everything wrong (not true), or how I get in a funk and worry about everything (true).

Did I mention PMS? PMS should be taken out back and shot. 'Nuff said.

Crying helps me. A walk helps me. Telling my hub i need alone time, or that i DON'T need alone time (bless him, he listens and always takes it to heart) helps me. Staying away from sugar, carbs and caffeine, and getting enough sleep helps me (preventative measures, these).

but mostly, grabbing the negative thoughts and saying "that's not true" out loud, and then saying out loud WHY it's not true (but stated positively like, I CAN organize the house and now I remember that it's easier when I start small, so I'm going to organize the mail on that table and we'll see what comes next"-- that helps me in the moment, and it helps me by making it easier to do that the next time, until, in some instances, the negative thoughts really have to struggle to surface. (yeah for me!)

Sometimes talking about the funk helps me get things clearer, but talking about it too much just drives it home that I'm a loser. A big turd stuck on the heel of life.

As for writing, I agree with Mike about the dangers of comparisons (I believe that's what Mike was referring to). I read Sarah's stories or hear her ready them and i think, why can't i write like that? I hear Gloria's poems and think, they're so clear, so unencumbered -- why can't my poems be like that? I think of Larry's bait shop story and say, i have a million of these kinds of memories -- why aren't i writing them? Because I can't write as good as Larry.

And yet, in my heart, i know that i'm a good writer. I also know that i haven't really found my style yet, and that's what's holding some of me back--that struggle to be true to the story or the character and still write like me.

And that brings up a whole host of questions, doubts and funks...

smcelrath said...

Larry,
The piece you got back covered in red ink--do you still look at it? Do you think the red ink made it better? Did you make the changes?

It's an interesting thing, looking at all the notations on my manuscript. Some changes I agree with immediately. Others I have to look at, read aloud (several times), change, change back--and sometimes I'm still left wondering when is it just a style thing. Voice, maybe.

Mike--
"We have to honor what we have and what we can do with it." I so need to be reminded of that now and again! I went and looked up the definition of the word honor. "To show respect to" is one of the definitions. Thus I need to show respect to what I have by striving to do my best with it. As Larry said--only we can write our stories.

And DJW--
Maybe it is about finding one's style. Maybe it is a constant striving to do just that. And so many times I can KNOW all this stuff in my head, can know that I shouldn't compare, know that I am a decent writer, know that I am just whining, but often it is hard to FEEL it. In the end, so much of what we do is based on that subconscious FEEL level. So yeah, I get the "negative thoughts really have to struggle to surface" comment!

Thank you all for not only listening to me whine, but for all your affirmations of my writing.

outdoorwriter said...

Sarah;

I haven't looked at the "red ink" in quite a while. At the time I was new to writing and wanted to make the sale. I'm still not sure her words were better. I had an editor change tesselated to tassled when I described a patchwork of corn fields, coppery grasses and golden foxtail. Corn usually isn't tassled in October. That one word changed the whole feel of that passage.

Mike;

Good thoughts. I like Neil Young by the way. I harbor no illusions of writing for "Field & Stream" or some of the other big magazines. But I am thankful I reach a few people and touch even fewer. I received a nice compliment from another writer on a piece I wrote about the job the DNR has trying to please every one. Some want old growth, hunters want more game, which requires cutting trees, and still others want turtles and butterflies. I used my own experience in managing our land with only myself to please. It's hard. Many management plans that benefit one species are detrimental to others.

DJW:

I, too, struggle with lots of doubts. Procrastination is my biggest fault, which shakes my confidence, which leads to more procrastination. A very vicioius circle I struggle with every day.