Saturday, March 15, 2008

Truth

Today's Mood: Reflective. Today's Music: Matchbox Twenty-Exile on Mainstreet. Today's Writing: IFFY. Today's Quote: (I'll get one in here tomorrow.)
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I've got a question. Is a personal essay true? All true? Exactly true? One person's true but not another's? I've been having a discussion with my husband about a piece I wrote. It is what I call a personal essay. It is my view of life, and of course, since my husband is a part of my life, he shows up in my writing every once and a while. He is not always exactly comfortable with this. In fact, he's not comfortable with it at all. He won't read it because he is sure he won't like it. I might not have him saying things exactly as he remembers saying them. (which is really a whole issue in itself!)

For example, in my essay Perspective, I have my husband saying "There has to be lots of writing books that deal with perspective." He tells me that he actually said, "I've seen lots of books that deal with perspective."

Now, I personally don't remember the exact wording. I personally don't think it really matters either since this is not a hugely important part of the story. The point is that he suggested I check out some books on perspective. I did. Done.

But it brings about the question of truth and where does my right to tell my story infringe on his right to privacy. I could give him a different name. Create a whole new husband in fact--that could be fun. But really, it kind of defeats the purpose of being a personal essay if I can't write about my life as I see it.

Anyway, I'm curious about your opinions on the matter. Have any of you had issues/problems with people in your life not wanting you to write about them--at all?

14 comments:

outdoorwriter said...

Sarah;

You ask soem of the greatest questions for discussion. I'm not an expert on PEs, but I see nothing wrong with embellishing a story. We can make the sunsets more exquisite, as long as it doesn't change the story and the readers won't know. We've all seen fabulous sunsets so it would sound real.

I wonder about real names too. The bait shop proprietor was named Winquist and George and Allen were my friends. As long as it doesn't hurt or embarras the other party I think real names are okay. At A Rally of Writers one presenter put real people in fictional scenes, in this case an affair. That seems way off the mark of ethical.

Family is harder. Depends on how personal. Unless I was getting rave reviews by my partner, I wouldn't want to write about sex. In your scenario I don't see a problem with what you wrote as opposed to what he actually said. Doesn't change the story. Maybe you just touched a sore spot. Does he read your other writing?

I like personal experience essays. I can remain invisible and let all my emotions, feelings, and eloquence come out in a different way than I speak.

smcelrath said...

Larry,

I agree that putting real people in fictional situations is a no-no. But in this case, I just didn't remember the EXACT words that he used. I wasn't trying to change anything. I did, however, change the essay based on what he told me. Like you said, it really didn't change the story.

Where is the line? When do I have a right to write about MY life, and when does he have a right to privacy? I try to argue that he should trust me; I'm not going to write something awful or embarrassing. But in the end, I don't always know what is embarrassing to him. Even when I make sure the only one I'm poking fun of is myself (which gives me plenty of material to work with, trust me!), sometimes he takes things differently than I expected.

And I agree, personal essays are great to read and write. We can all learn from each other's truimphs and tragedies.

outdoorwriter said...

"Where is the line?"

That's a tough one. I think the closer we get to truth, the more difficult. Relationship problems may creep in unintentionally. If one partner, doesn't matter who, is lacksidasical about paying bills, spends carelessly, or doesn't keep up the yard and it irritates the writer, I would stay away from that. I've been tempted myself to get into a character with all my wife's irritatating habits or other things that infuriate me. But it wouldn't be fair to parade that kind of hurtful, personal stuff into my writing. Evan good-natured ribbing gets irritating after while. I razz my daughter, age 16, about good westerns on TV. All I do is make her mad. To her there is no good western.

Perhaps, the argument, that I recall from your essay, hit a little too close to home for him. It's kind of like slap-stick humor; someone has to get hurt to be funny.

My advice, and I'm certainly no expert in relationships, is to try to find out his fears, etc. It's not like you use him as a character in your novels. Ask him where he is comfortable with you including him. For the few lines he had in your essay, I don't see a problem. I sure wouldn't be upset; I'd be flattered if someone wrote about me.

Anonymous said...

You do ask some great questions, Sarah. And you both read some really cool pieces at Khardomah. Unfortunately, I know nothing about the ethics of the personal essay. Any essay I've attempted (and they are few in number) have come out as sentimental drivel. Although it does fascinate me that other people are able to pull them off so skillfully that even seemingly mundane of events can be fascinating and evoke strong emotions.

Recently I discovered that the main character in my novel deals with an issue that is a lot closer to real life than I ever knew. Since then I have struggled a little with my newfound knowledge. I started this novel YEARS before I knew the actual story, but I still worry about the reaction the book may receive now. I am certainly not going to toss it, but a sliver of uncertainty has been planted.

Listening to: Muse "Absolution"
Word Count: same as last time *sigh*

Mike said...

Been a while since i visited the blog, and here it is full of juicy controversy.

I had a girl friend who would go nuts if I wrote a line that seemed like anything she might do or say. Kind of like the story of the natives who didn't want their picture taken or it might steal their soul.

It seems like this is a relationship issue as much (or more) than a writing issue (sounding like a therapist here, hmmmm?).

Like Larry suggests, the closer the relationship the more touchy or sensitive the landscape, to mix metaphors. I've been tempted to write a memoir, but feel like a bunch of people would need to die before I could safely share it with anyone.

Just my 2 pennies worth...

Mike

outdoorwriter said...

REF;

I think a lot of us include some of ourselves in our writing.

For example, I love our land, maybe because they are not making any more or because I find so much joy in just walking it during the changing seasons. I can be 10 again and find salamanders, wildflowers, and an occasional wild mushroom. I have toyed with a character who has to make the choice to sell his land to save his or child. Think some type of cancer, and his insurance was completely maxed out. If it were to happen to me, how would I respond and would my character be believable? What if it's the wife or child? How would that affect his decision? If the couple got along or didn't? It's a question hopefully nonoe of will ever have to answer. But what if ....

smcelrath said...

Does all good writing include a tiny bit of the author's own feelings or experiences? For me, even if the events I'm writing about are not something I have experienced, to make the writing breathe, I have to draw from other experiences in my life, and the thoughts and feelings evoked during those experiences.

REF, now I'm curious. So are you worried about general reaction to the book, or someONE's reaction to the book?

And Mike, if there is a rash of unexplained deaths and then you start your memoir... :)

Seriously though, I know what you mean. I'm not sure I could have written Black Dragon before my mom died.

And yeah, maybe some of it is a relationship issue, but not necessarily. I mean, some people are just more private than others. So it is a matter of determining where my right as a writer to write about my life interferes with someone else's right to privacy. It is a line I am still struggling to see.

Anonymous said...

It's the reaction of someone, or rather a couple someones, that I worry about. I worry that they will see themselves in something that really has nothing to do with them.

But then again, I am known to over-worry. :-)

outdoorwriter said...

"Does all good writing include a tiny bit of the author's own feelings or experiences? For me, even if the events I'm writing about are not something I have experienced, to make the writing breathe, I have to draw from other experiences in my life, and the thoughts and feelings evoked during those experiences."

I agree absolutely, whether it's an essay, a novel, poem, or short story. With the net, there's so much information available as far as research. It doesn't replace the actual doing. I generally don't write about things I haven't tried.

A few years ago, I wrote a piece on AuSable River boats. They're very shallow and over 20 feet long. They seem to float on dew. The guide sits in the back and steers anglers down the river. Not only is it a great way to see the river--my guide actually took a couple on a champagne cruise for their anniversary--but also a very relaxing way to fish. I booked a half-day trip just to get the experience. He was a psychologist and I ended up with a few good quotes. I lamented waiting so long to take up fly-fishing. He said, "We arrive at the place we are when we're supposed to get there." I tried fly-fishing when in my teens, but maybe I just needed to wait until I gained a few years worth of patience. Being on the river toward sunset opened a whole new experience of colors and discoveries, like the day I found a single columbine on the stone-lined Presque Isle River. Without my earlier experiences with wildflowers, I would have missed it.

Anonymous said...

All my personal essays are embellished for maximum effect. Which is why I agree with Mike-- many people would have to be dead before I could write my memoirs. Even if I'm totally honest in it. Especially if I'm totally honest! That's one reason I need to outlive all my relatives and most of my friends.

This reminds me of a piece by Scott Adams, creator of "Dilbert," where he was talking about interviews, and how much he appreciated the writer he had for a Playboy interview. He said he came off much more intelligent and composed than he is in real life. I guess I never thought about interview journalists taking creative liberties, but it does make sense. (And of course they ALWAYS show the piece to the interviewee before publication....) --Mark

Mark Wolfgang said...

Sarah, no exciting writing going on here. Lots of painting and home renovations is all. I knew I had an ID around here somewhere, I had to dig through the PW Blog archives to find out I'm Wolfgang. Now I'll have to figure out my password.

smcelrath said...

Mark,

I wondered who the anonymous was! And just remember, home renovations can lead to a great piece of writing! Of course, you might have to kill off those you have been renovating with first.... (if that hasn't already happened during the renovation process!)

REF, I hear you. Ironically enough, I worried about someone--we will call this person X--thinking one of the characters was based on X (because it was), and it kind of stifled me. But now I realize there is no way X would ever see that character as being on X. So I am free to let it fly.

Okay, that confused even me!

Happy Easter all of you bloggers! I was excited to get my Glen Lake brochure the other day. Summer is just around the corner. Now if we can just do something about this snow...

outdoorwriter said...

This is kind of a couple of blogs combined. One covering the creative/art process and the other this one.

I watched Neil Young in concert on TV this weekend. What really caught my attention was the way he seemed to handle the emotion without breaking down. I'd have been a blubbering idiot. Do singers have a better grasp of their feelings or do they feel deeper?

And what about the songs that are written about real people? Where is that line drawn? Is it the music, the words or the story that makes a good song?

smcelrath said...

For me, a good song has to have good lyrics (in other words, lyrics that mean something to me) as well as good music. But it is totally a subjective thing as to what good lyrics and good music are. If a song has great lyrics, but I can't hear them because it is all screaming--I don't go for it.

And if push comes to shove, lyrics probably matter more to me. But that's because I know more about words than music.