"There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are." -Somerset Maugham.
*******
A friend of mine was grieving and I had in mind to paint her a picture and write a poem (or something that resembled a poem) to go with it. Of course, the stars had to align just right in order for me to brave the painting process. I did the background first and then two more weeks went by before I attempted the actual painting. And when I got done, it looked like what it was--a novice painting of daffodils in the snow. After leaving it sit for a couple of days (and staring at it enough that my husband finally was inclined to give me his two-cents worth about what the problem was with it--which was tremendously helpful since I knew something was not right but wasn't quite sure what), I took out the paints again, touched it up a bit, and then called it done.
So, then comes the ego. I got all freaked out about sending it because I didn't want my friend to think I thought it was some great painting that she should frame and hang on the wall. I decided to scan it into the computer and then print it off as a card--that way it didn't matter if she didn't think it was a great picture because it was just a card. I went to work to scan it and while I was there, I got talking to my principal about the painting and my fear of sending it because I really didn't think it was "good enough."
"Here's the thing," she said. "If you send the original, your friend has the choice of whether or not to hang it up. A card is nice, especially since you made it, but it doesn't give her the option. And I'll tell you this, I have a friend who is an artist. Yup, he's not Picasso, but when he creates something for me, it means just as much to me--because HE MADE IT."
I thought about that, and in the end, I took the risk and sent the original painting. I had to fight down the urge to send a note explaining that it wasn't really a great painting but here's what it means. Again I took a big breath and just sent it with a simple note--not trying to explain it, not trying to belittle it. Just telling her I wanted to send this to her because it said what my words couldn't.
As an artist (whether I'm talking writing or painting or drawing.....) it is so difficult for me to get my ego out of the picture. It gets in the way of my writing, making it difficult to write because it might not be good enough. It gets in the way of my sharing/ sending out/ giving away because it might not be good enough. Granted, the whole publishing process is good at making me constantly question whether my writing is any good, but there is a place for that--and it is not in the creation stage.
We teach our kids to be humble, but how do we teach ourselves that saying our stuff isn't good enough is often the opposite of humble? It's ego. It's being afraid other people will judge it (and therefore judge US), and find it wanting, and we can't deal with that.
I'm trying to practice the art of allowing myself to write crap. But I find it extremely difficult. Despite loving to write, it is still easier NOT TO WRITE, than to write and have it not be any good. This novel I'm working on, I didn't outline this time. I know the basic conflict, the basic ending, but I wanted to allow it to go places unplanned. It might kill me. The last two days I'm just so totally sure that it all sucks and is going no where. I want to quit--but I can't. Because quitting is another thing I don't do well. And because I hate to suck and write crap, I spend more time drawing, and finding out that I suck at that too. And now the crap is so deep I'm drowning in it. The really good thing about that, is I FINALLY start to not care. Maybe the fumes kill the ego, I don't know. Whatever. I don't care. I'm just going to write and draw and paint BECAUSE I LIKE TO. So there. Take that you stupid ego!
So, then comes the ego. I got all freaked out about sending it because I didn't want my friend to think I thought it was some great painting that she should frame and hang on the wall. I decided to scan it into the computer and then print it off as a card--that way it didn't matter if she didn't think it was a great picture because it was just a card. I went to work to scan it and while I was there, I got talking to my principal about the painting and my fear of sending it because I really didn't think it was "good enough."
"Here's the thing," she said. "If you send the original, your friend has the choice of whether or not to hang it up. A card is nice, especially since you made it, but it doesn't give her the option. And I'll tell you this, I have a friend who is an artist. Yup, he's not Picasso, but when he creates something for me, it means just as much to me--because HE MADE IT."
I thought about that, and in the end, I took the risk and sent the original painting. I had to fight down the urge to send a note explaining that it wasn't really a great painting but here's what it means. Again I took a big breath and just sent it with a simple note--not trying to explain it, not trying to belittle it. Just telling her I wanted to send this to her because it said what my words couldn't.
As an artist (whether I'm talking writing or painting or drawing.....) it is so difficult for me to get my ego out of the picture. It gets in the way of my writing, making it difficult to write because it might not be good enough. It gets in the way of my sharing/ sending out/ giving away because it might not be good enough. Granted, the whole publishing process is good at making me constantly question whether my writing is any good, but there is a place for that--and it is not in the creation stage.
We teach our kids to be humble, but how do we teach ourselves that saying our stuff isn't good enough is often the opposite of humble? It's ego. It's being afraid other people will judge it (and therefore judge US), and find it wanting, and we can't deal with that.
I'm trying to practice the art of allowing myself to write crap. But I find it extremely difficult. Despite loving to write, it is still easier NOT TO WRITE, than to write and have it not be any good. This novel I'm working on, I didn't outline this time. I know the basic conflict, the basic ending, but I wanted to allow it to go places unplanned. It might kill me. The last two days I'm just so totally sure that it all sucks and is going no where. I want to quit--but I can't. Because quitting is another thing I don't do well. And because I hate to suck and write crap, I spend more time drawing, and finding out that I suck at that too. And now the crap is so deep I'm drowning in it. The really good thing about that, is I FINALLY start to not care. Maybe the fumes kill the ego, I don't know. Whatever. I don't care. I'm just going to write and draw and paint BECAUSE I LIKE TO. So there. Take that you stupid ego!
2 comments:
Way to go, Sarah. You have cleared a very high hurtle. Anyone can quit. It takes guts, courage, determination, humility and the right attitude to push on.
I think we all strugle that our work is not good enough. I have always been afraid of not working hard enough, so I compensated by working harder than necessary. I remember lugging hay bales to the wagon rather than letting the wagon come to me in the field.
It's never been easy for me to really talk to my parents about how pleased I was that they were my parents, so I wrote them letters for Mothers' and Fathers' Day. Dad framed them both and they have a special place on the end tables. Talk about boosting your confidence!
Reaching out to another person is difficult for most of us. I don't share many of my thoughts about wildflowers, native grasses, all the many critters, and other personal stuff--not even with my own family. I don't want to be judged "wierd." You faced your fears; maybe I can find the strength to face mine.
Larry,
Thanks for the encouragement. I picked 31 pounds of blueberries on Thursday and the "think" time was an incredible boost. Now I just need time to sit down (without distractions) and write.
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